Stuff at work was working that yesterday wasn't which was great and was feeling amped. I knew I had an appointment to have a full body massage which I was just keen on trying as I'd never had one, so around 12:40 am I headed out, found a ATM, grabbed some cash and I don't know why but felt sorta wierd just handing cash to pay for something, like services rendered so I grabbed envelope from the office and stuck it in there. Wierd but there you go.

Also, in hind sight, while looking for a image for this post, I noticed the sheer lack of men in those pictures so I thinking I'm a bit weird for having tried it.
So, I walked in, and I approached the massage room, knocked on the door and was greeted by the massage therapist anxiously because only a few minutes ago I had surfed the web to kind of get a handle on what I should come to expect or what etiquette was expected as I've never had a full body massage before, so I checked about the whole going butt-naked-except-for- -a-towl thing and I must be honest I was getting real nervous even then.

I kinda wondered If I'd get a row of warm stones put up the centre of my back or something like that, and if they were too hot would I spastically "go ape" and frantically fling them off...Thankfully I didn't persue that possible eventuality or any contingency or strategise any back up plans as this wasnt included. Anyway, as I entered the massage room - I said hi and explained my lack of experience in these matters. She told me not to worry and essentially told me to undress and put on a towl while she left to do something, which I did and when she came back I was transformed and felt pretty wierd. I got on my stomach on the bench which I guess was going to be the "work area" and was quite chuffed that I mastered the climb onto it without loosing my dignity. So I got on the table, carefully like I suppose a stick insect with a towl on, stiffly and awkwardly positioned myself as to not expose myself because now I was quite aware how little I had on. After that milestone, I sighed a sigh of relief only moments later to be broken by, "I'm going to have to unloosen the towl" which was the only thing that brought confidence thus far to my whole naked-in-towl experience because i knew that the "wrap-and-tuck" effort i did i was quite proud of and was second to none and that it wasn't going to slip off in any hurry. I got through the transition from "tucked-in" to "resting-on" concept ok though with still much apprehension.

It's so strange having a new person I don't know in that position, I dunno but must be that I'm just not use to it. She then started rubbing by lower and upper back. Things had kicked off, things were looking up for me, so I thought that Id at least say something about stuff as she did her thing, also because it'd be rather boring for both of us if it was real silent. My face was wedged in the gap in the bench and everything sorta seemed to have worked itself out thus far. I had conquered "the climb", "the unwrap" and though still nervous about me being the semi-clad naked gorilla i was covered merly by this flimsey towl, we started chatting about stuff, generally obscure stuff initially because my start-off conversation generaly is a car crash waiting to happen.

I experienced awareness when she took hold my butt with the palms of her hands. Actually, I got such a huge fright - I must have shown it as she told me to relax, which I tried, then not satisfied with my attempt, she told me to unclench. This was particularly difficult - once a butt is clenched I found, it's very difficult to go back to normal. Fright and butt "clenchness" go hand-on-hand. So reluctantly I re-remembered how to consciously do this voluntarily and then subconciously instructed my butt muscle to relax. I unclinched successfully, it was a great success.

Then she moved on and after sparking a very nice, light-hearted conversation and enjoying hearing her laugh at various pieces of junk I came out with, the "turn over", unbeknown to me was due and approaching fast...

She told me to turn over.

Huh? What?

So after working out that she was lifting the towl a certain way as to not expose me in the turn over movement, I anxiously turned over, knowing very well still that I had gotten myself into this naked state and how it was only lunch time and how it felt like I was still at work and how awkward this was. After the casual "everything is fine" front I put on, i turned over. She started pummelled more and I wondered if my shape might change when I walk out(or roll out). We agreed that we should go for drinks sometime and how uptight some people are who take massages are and how that's not me and we started talking about various stuff, relationships and our experiences of them and other easier conversations. The mood had got decidedly better.

After a bit, I was laughing, she was laughing and it was ok. Seemed like we had found our rhythm and the conversation was fun, and I really started to enjoy it enough to forget about the massage. After a great half an hour of conversation it was time to finish. This was an hour long session. I wasn't sure I'd be able to get up after she stopped as my body had gone into a sort of semi limbo state.


Then when she had finished, I sat straight up, and I don't know for the life of me how this happened, but I gave out what seemed like an absolutely earth-shattering-ear-cracker of a fart! Which in reality was subtle but as it was noticeable it might as well have been a mountain that had just crashed down!

She looked at me with this bewildered look, probably matched by my own surprised-embarrassed expression(trying frantically in my mind to figure where the hell that possibly came from) as we looked blankly at each other for a moment which seemed like a lifetime. I casually I said, sorry/excuse me and made a bit of a joke and then she said, "...That's never happened to me." Which is now humorously etched into my subconscious! To be honest I didn't quite know what to say myself as my lips I think got stuck in absolute Shoke/horror-bemusement. She was real gracious about it and we just carried on really. I joked that after the message I felt more comfortable than when we started, maybe a little too comfortable I added. We laughed. I wearily managed to laugh. Actually stuck about a while to finish a conversation we had started which we both enjoyed and it still seemed OK but deep down my confidence had done a spectacular U-turn and was on the retreat having suffered heavy casualties, and their was nothing i could do about it. The little voice in my head telling me how much of an idiot I was every two seconds from that point onwards. Basically if I had a stupid-me-o-meter strung up around my forehead, I was blatantly in the red and over-clocking it as I tried to maintain what composure I could muster...

We ended on a surprisingly comfortable note, having chatted at the end as if it didnt happen. But I knew it was disastrous.

For the rest if the day, I couldn't stop the thought of it - I knew that *I* was that guy...

My first dabble in massage therapy had hit off badly and I'm thinking that I should never get that comfortable in front of a woman again...

I suppose now we both have a story to tell.

I'm such an idiot.